Our past mistakes and sins have a reason::

I often find myself wondering in frustration how the Lord will be using my struggles in my past mistakes  to glorify him in the future

The damage is done I know I still have the scars in my hunting memory.

And I don't understand fully how the Lord will use that in my life to bring others closer to him.

We may never know how The Lord will use the good and the bad in our lives for his greater glory.

Mass: The Eucharist and I.

Those who know me in theatre know that I cannot cry on cue. I have tried and yes there are ways to make one but I cannot do it on the spot. I have to try very very hard to.

With that being said, I am over all a very emotional being and some would say empathetic. 

Certain subjects bring me to tears.

The Eucharist, is one of them.

Perhaps this Is my paranoid self but I feel as if some Christians judges others when it comes to Mass. Perhaps some think that they go out of their way so other can see all thier good deeds.

When I am at Mass, it is for me. It is for Christ. I am not there to impress others, to "show how holy I am" but rather show how weak I am and how much I am in need of Christ's love and mercy.

The Eucharist, I am in fear of. 

Sometimes I react in such ways that people may not be used to. 

But I am receiving a kiss from the lover of my soul. I am overjoyed. 

I am simply showing the emotions my soul is experiencing.

And sometimes I am embarrassed at how I react because I don't want people to think I am "putting on a show" for others to see. 

I honestly feel as if Christ made it for me to not be able to cry on cue so that O may cry for him. In joy, in overwhelmingness,and in sorrow. 

But my purpose at Mass is to be in one with Christ. 

I will try to not concern myself with others judgments for as long as I know what I am soon is right and just then I will continue to glorify The Lord in how he has allowed me to.

One thing to never give up on:: Hope

There was a time in my life when I had no direction, I didn't know my purpose and I was frightened and scared senseless. I didn't know what I was afraid of, I was only afraid. Maybe it was failure maybe it was never being loved. And this was ignorant because if only I allowed Christ into my life then I would be comforted by the fact that I was neither. I wasn't a failure nor was I not loved. One thing that I think many people do not strive or cling onto enough is hope. 

Despair lingers in the air waiting for its moment to latch onto us like a leech. And once we are in despair in any situation it always slithers it's way back into our mind. 

Despair is like poison.

we do not recognize the severity of it but it sucks joy and life out of us. 

In hope, we know there will always be something for us, Christ's love. 

In despair, it is as if we have walked into our very own black hole that is impossible to get out of. 

We fall and fall deeper into these negative thoughts and our thoughts become our actions and soon we become lethargic because we believe we are good for nothing.

Granted, I am not promoting that we will be always happy, joyful and filled with hope or reason in life but in Christ's love we can turn to always and know that our life has purpose and meaning.

The thing is that, in this world it is difficult to hear the comforting whispers of God.

With society screaming into our ear, silence is hardly ever experienced. ( I'll go deeper into this in another article)

In the world's eyes, your purpose in life is somewhere along the lines of working, being known, making your mark on this earth, being loved by all, successful, achieve something great, etc. 

Yet if in the process of achieving this,we fail it is as if the whole world is falling apart, we go through an emotional tornado, lose our direction our purpose and all seems lost. 

Our anchor is on Christ, on the cross so we find all we need. Our purpose, our worth, our love, our everything.

One glance at the cross it might change your entire life.

Loving others

My heart breaks. Every day. For different reasons.

Love isn't supposed to be easy.

You must love when the person is most unlovable. You must love when all you want to do is draw back.

Come out of your comfort zone.

We are supposed to call each other onto holiness.

Find one another's faults by pointing them toward Christ.

Realize we are all sinners, no exceptions.

We need to fix grudges and cold hearts.

Recognize we have weaknesses.

Love them anyway, continue to correct them.

Happiness and Suffering

There was a time in my life where I would not allow myself to feel happy. That may sound ridiculous and it was! Here was my naive logic reasoning behind it.

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If I allow myself to be happy, I knew it wouldn't last. I was running on an emotional high. And someday I would go feel low. Now not only would I feel low but the illusion that everything was perfect would fade. 

If I allowed myself to feel happy it would only force me to come to terms with the reality that something bad would happen soon because happiness does not last.

That would mean I would get hurt or feel pain. I tried to avoid that at all costs.

And the reason was because I did not recognize the beauty of suffering.

I attempted to avoid suffering. 

Now going back to happiness. happiness  is a beautiful feeling to expirience. And yes suffering is inevitable but when we are happy, we should allow ourselves the grand pleasure of feeling happy because The Lord wants us to feel that way. He gives us these small or big pleasures in life to appreciate them and be grateful for it. So if a sunset makes me happy, then by golly I will be happy because The Lord made the sunset for me to know his love and rejoice in all his goodness.

In the midst of darkness I was not alone

Lately I hve felt a dryness, a sense of loneliness which is common in a spiritual journey. I know better than to base my relationship with Christ off emotions but lately it's been more difficult.

Yesterday I was able to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. 

And it was beautiful knowing that though I am a sinner I am loved.

Christ will never forsake me, his love covers all sin.

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Christ draws near to us despite the dirt on our souls, despite the darkness we dwell in and the grave we bury ourselves in. 

We keep ourselves in a dark corner huddled and cradling our sin all we have ever known and think the weight of it ours. Christ yearns to rid us of our burden./Come to me all who are weary  and burdened and I will give you rest Matt 11:28/We choose to ignore His love that he offers us. He is always there in the midst of darkness; we are not alone. 

Inside my yearning soul::

I want to travel , yes the world but also the journey of my soul. And truly my soul is tickled whenever it goes for I know that Christ Is always present guiding my path. And all that is before my eyes are a gift from the One above. Everyday is a new adventure, the choice is up to me.Will I continue to glitter my days  with positivity or will I strip my days of colour with negativity? 

Morning thoughts

The beauty of life is all around me in the earliest sun rays and in the last glimpse of light in the night sky. Life is so full and alive with passion, we exsist for passion.

But our passions become disordinate when we blind ourselves of the mediocracy of this world. We fool ourselves to think this will suffice whe. We weren't made for satisfaction. We were made search. We can be satisfied in our continued search. We must always be constantly looking or we will miss our life right before our eyes. We must search not simply for anything but for love, for light and joy. In everything and anything. Capture every moment and make the most of it. Do not analyze or try to understand but simply accept.

 Our hearts were made for Christ, only him because in a sense He isn't tangible our hearts yearn, ache and search. We are quenched and received before the Blessed Eucharist but we were made such exquisite creature that we cannot be idle as humans. Our goal is to glorify Christ with out life in all we say and do. 

The trees and flowers glorify God by simply being. We were made for so much more than standing idle. 

Oh, How the world Is paradox! They say to achieve happiness you must do only for yourself though it is when you do for others that happiness finds you. We are so busy looking to achieve happiness as if it's tangible or materialistic. However it is a state of mind, a way of living, and thinking. Anyone can be happy by simply 

Cleaning their soul of dirt and negativity and truly recognizing all the good in their life.

Mile and miles to go

I have discovered that training is no easy thing.

Sometimes we tend to put ourselves in a commitment that we don't recognize how difficult it may be. 

I have to wake up every morning before work and get my run in. This is difficult because I feel as if my summer is no fun because I have to sleep early. Or the fact that I can't stay up until one in the morning because I have to wake up in five hours.

But it is not about the present but the future. 

We must be willing to put in hard work, sacrifice, suffering and all our efforts to attain what we want. Who said life was all fun and games? People have this mindset that life should not have to be difficult or hard. When situations start becoming difficult they back out. You grow in those moments. How do you expect to if you aren't tried.

We must work hard to reach our goal. Whatever it may be.

The journey is difficult but the accomplishment, priceless.

I am anticipating the day I cross the finish line and think to myself, I did it. I did it.